by Avis Rumney, LMFT
Part I: Summertime Suggestions
Summer is the season of bathing suits, tee shirts and sundresses. It is the time for pool parties and barbecues. For many of us, these thoughts conjure up happy memories, relaxed times and occasions to look forward to. However, for anyone with an eating disorder (and unfortunately, for many others, because society indoctrinates us to criticize our shape and size), summer – with its norm of more revealing clothing and events that call for dressing accordingly – evokes dread, discomfort and despair. It is sad when people measure their worth by their weight, and this is exactly what anyone with an eating disorder does.
If you are the mother of an eating disordered daughter, doubtless you have watched your daughter dress in all manner of camouflaging clothing, whatever the weather or the season. People with eating disorders feel shame about their bodies – regardless of their actual body size – and do their best to disguise their real shape. In addition, those suffering from anorexia have little body protection from the cold and get chilled easily. It is not unusual to see a young woman with an eating disorder wearing a blouse, sweatshirt and a jacket at times most others are clad in short sleeved or sleeveless attire.
Uncomfortable though it may be to witness your daughter dressing in this manner, know that it is not something you can or should try to change. Nor is it something she can change at this time. Body image distortion is central to any eating disorder. Even though many body image issues are rooted in self-image problems – that is, the person directs her self-hatred toward her body and then focuses on trying to fix her body – no amount of persuasion that her body is not ugly or disgusting will cause your daughter to change her mind. It is only through therapy and the process of healing her relationship with herself that she can, in time, come to terms with her body.
It is likely that you feel sad and perhaps even frustrated and discouraged. This is where help comes in the form of patience and the serenity prayer [excerpted from the original written by Reinhold Niebuhr over 60 years ago, which has been modified for use by 12 Step Programs]: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.” Your daughter’s attitude about her body and how she wants to cover it is something you cannot change. Only she can change it, and only in her own time. Better to put your energy elsewhere, such as into having enjoyable, non-food, non-clothing, non-appearance-focused outings with her. And, as always, let her know you love her for who she is. Connect with her around the things you can relate to that interest her. Build a bond between you, if you both are open to that, founded on an appreciation of who she is now, not on how you remember her or wish she could or would be. If she is in recovery, she is on the road – albeit often a very long one – toward accepting herself, and it is for this that she needs your support and acknowledgment.
Part II: Happier Holidays – From Distressed to De-stressed
The holidays are coming! And while this is a time of celebration and connection, there are stressors as well, especially for those with eating disorders. You know how difficult it can be to eat sensibly in a world that focuses its celebrations around food, especially sweets. Magnify that discomfort one hundred times and you get a sense of how uncomfortable food-centered holidays are for anyone with eating issues. “Thanksgiving is death!” remarked one teen recently who is recovering from bulimia.
Enter you – the mother of an eating disordered daughter. Perhaps your child is home from college, or is a teen living at home already. Doubtless you are already managing the lion’s share of holiday planning and preparation. To this is now added the worry of how to make food-related aspects of the season less troublesome for your daughter. Your own anxiety has escalated. Should you invite your daughter to help prepare festive food, or ban her from the kitchen? Should you ask her if there are particular foods she wants, or not mention food at all? Should you help her to make appropriate food choices, or pray that she will do that on her own?
Hopefully your daughter is working with a nutritionist and already has some clear guidelines around food and eating for this occasion. She and her therapist have doubtless talked about what options she has in the face of holiday overwhelm. But an abundance of food, while a pleasure to many of us, is likely to be a nightmare for her. The kinds of food being served may not be her usual fare, and her fear of “overeating” or “getting fat” may be triggered by the surfeit and types of food.
Managing food-centered holidays is stressful for anyone with an eating disorder and your daughter may welcome some support from you. But it is not your job to read her mind. Instead, acknowledge that this might be a difficult time for her, and ask her what support she would like from you. The answer may be quite different from what you had anticipated. Her biggest concern may be with an insensitive remark Aunt Nellie made to her last Thanksgiving, and what to do if someone asks her even a well-intentioned but unwelcome question this time.
Ask her what kinds of things she would like to do to help out, rather than assigning her tasks based on your inclination to “protect” or “not upset her.” She can say what makes her uncomfortable and what she is or is not willing to do.
At meal times, avoid sneaking glances at her plate. Focus on what you enjoy – your friends and family and the conversation. Avoid making food, weight or appearance the main topics of conversation.
Tell her you would welcome spending some time with her – and center this around activities that don’t involve food. Invite her to talk with you about what the two of you could do together. Clothes shopping, which may have been something you both liked in the past, is probably not a comfortable activity for her now. Depending on common interests, taking a walk, going to a movie, play or choral event, playing scrabble or checkers, and visiting a pet store may be possibilities. If both you and she choose, including other family members in some of these pastimes is an option.
Of course, your daughter may be more interested in seeing her friends or hanging out in her room with her iPod and Instant Messaging. Honor her choices and take care of yourself. One of the best things you can do for her (and for you!) is to manage your own stress. Make time to get some exercise – by yourself or with a friend. Take yourself on a retreat to the library or the corner of your own bedroom and read something soothing. Treat yourself to something you enjoy – soak in a hot bath, get a pedicure, do a crossword puzzle or take a trip to the local bead store to get supplies for the necklace you’ve wanted to make. Call a friend who makes you laugh. Plan a fun date with your husband.
Conclusion
When your daughter develops an eating disorder, it can be painful and frightening. Of course your immediate impulse is to “fix” her, and your first reaction may be to blame yourself for her situation. Hopefully the tips included here will guide you to take actions that are helpful for both you and her, and to adopt a perspective that is compassionate towards both of you. The anxiety and challenges that this situation evokes are unavoidable, but your response to these can make a difference in how you feel and how you contribute to your daughter’s recovery.
Whether your daughter has just recently developed an eating disorder, or has been struggling for a while, know that you do not have to face this situation alone. There is hope for recovery and help is available – for your daughter, for you, and for your family.
Download my e-book for more useful, everyday suggestions, Tips for Mothers of Daughters with Eating Disorders: How to take care of yourself while supporting your daughter’s recovery. If you would like additional resources or assistance, please feel free to call me at 415-924-2100. Ask me about telephone-based coaching for mothers with eating disordered daughters, and free monthly teleclasses.
